Amos 5:6-7, 10-15

When I’m wearing a certain favorite T-shirt which says, “You can’t beat a woman,” I get mixed reactions.  Lots of people smile and say, “You got that right!  Women do everything to hold this world together.  You sure can’t beat a woman.”  Then there are those who read the message on the shirt and almost look sad.  I’ve noticed one or two women whose eyes became teary when reading the shirt. Others have said “No, but some people DO (beat a woman).”  So my provocative shirt from Family Abuse Services of Alamance County, Inc. is certainly a conversation starter. 

Domestic violence is ever with us and the statistics sadly bear this out.  Nearly one-third of American women report being physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives, according to a Commonwealth Fund survey.  When the person you once trusted and chose to be with you as lover, friend or spouse becomes a monster who will physically and/or emotionally harm you, you feel betrayed and oppressed.  You may also feel like a victim who participates in, and even is partially responsible for, the pain and the hurt.

I spent four weekends at the North Carolina Correctional Center for Women in a Christian outreach program called “Kairos.”  Three of us from the “outside” would be placed at a round table with three from the “inside.” We shared meals and talks and music throughout three days and lifted up the possibilities God offers for healing and renewal.   The insiders were incarcerated for one reason or another.  We never asked why they were imprisoned.  But we listened to each other’s stories.

As I listened, it struck me that nearly every woman there had a story which included domestic abuse.  Some of these women had been sexually abused by their own fathers.  Some were in tragic relationships with boyfriends or husbands who abused them physically and emotionally.  Often, a woman would blame herself for the abuse.  “I guess I should never have told him off that way,” she might say, as though there is any excuse for violence. 

As each weekend unfolded, I usually became attached and connected emotionally to one of the women at my table.   A woman I’ll call Beverly was able to describe the shame of incest and rape and talked about how she continued to be tortured by guilt and shame.  We tried to point out that she was a survivor who could find courage in community, the type of Christian community being presented that weekend.  Her own relatives had betrayed her, but in the midst of this, a seed of forgiveness was being planted.  She would be leaving prison within the year, and we wanted her to find a church family she could trust.  She knew her Bible, but she had also learned that patriarchy and other oppressive systems were also part of the historical context of scripture. She avoided churches because she saw them as communities which often continue to lift up these tired stereotypes and lies.  We pointed out how Jesus had to confront patterns of hatred and prejudice and that he challenged systems of his day which were unjust.  She loved the stories of the woman at the well and the woman who had been caught in adultery. 

Beverly, although wounded emotionally and spiritually, was very intelligent and courageous. When she was released from prison, she chose not to return to the abusive situation from which she had come.  She left a life of self-hatred, re-discovered her self-esteem, and became a teacher’s assistant in one of our local school systems.  I was able to follow her life journey through the eyes of her kind and gentle female pastor, a minister who continues to mentor her now that she is “on the outside.”  She has found a place with a church community that has become her loving and accepting family.

Not all stories of people who are abused end so positively.  We in the church need to look around and realize that about one-third of all women in our lives—workplace, family, church and social and civic groups—one-third of them have a story to tell. Who is listening?  Who will help them find justice at the gate?  Who can proclaim to them that God longs to hold the broken and lonely survivors in the warmth of sheltering love and community….that God’s mercy is available for them?  When you and I discover the truth of redemptive love flowing out to heal the deepest violations, we will become part of God’s healing in this world.  Justice and healing are the message.   Are we listening?  Can we see the face of Christ in the faces and places of suffering?  May we be lifted up on God’s shoulders so that we see the ones who need our loving care!

By Rev. Shadra Suzanne Shoffner, former pastor, Shiloh Presbyterian Church, Burlington

 

Theological Issues Relating to Domestic Violence

Religious institutions can be a powerful resource for the abused and the abuser when they are educated on domestic violence and address this problem openly with their congregations.  Unfortunately, some churches have not effectively dealt with this issue.  Below are some of the issues which have kept the congregations, pastors, and religious institutions from becoming fully involved. 

Suffering - Some abused women believe they have a religious obligation to suffer and they misapply this concept to tolerating abuse in their intimate relationships.  Religious leaders sometimes reinforce this notion.  We must remember that God does not want anyone to suffer needlessly.  Suffering happens because of evil in the world.  God is present with her in her suffering, but in no way does this mean that God wants her to continue to suffer. 

Forgiveness - Unfortunately, the idea of forgiveness is also often misapplied in abusive situations.  Women are often encouraged to "forgive" in a way that translates into the batterer not being held accountable for his actions. 

Permanency of Marriage - The religious idea that it is wrong to separate from one's spouse has often led to women suffering more abuse and in some cases being killed by their partner.  We must keep in mind that the physical separation - at least a temporary one - of the husband and wife is often necessary to stop the abuse and get help.  Clergy are sometimes the first people a woman will tell about her abuse.  This provides religious leaders with a unique opportunity to offer community support, crisis intervention, and referral for help.  It is critical that clergy become educated about appropriate ways to provide support and information.

Headship and Submission – The headship of men over women is a concept that denies women’s equality with men, and distorts the image of God in which women were created in.  Relationships are to be based on mutual love, respect, care, integrity, trust, and support.  Domestic violence destroys relationships.  It is an abuse of power to demand or encourage persons to submit to domestic violence.           

Adapted from The Sabbath of Domestic Peace, citing the “Family Violence Packet: A Congregational Resource by the National Ministries ABC/USA,” www.sabbathofdomesticpeace.org/domviolence/theological.htm, with additional commentary by Angela Roberson.