“Are you OK?”  When I recognize that my wife is in pain, I ask this simple question.  In response, she often scowls at me.  Why?  Because both of us know that I know the answer to the question.  I am actually trying to figure out if I did something to hurt her or if someone else did.  However, I find it difficult to ask the question directly because I am afraid of the answer.  I don’t want to be the source of pain for my wife, but by dealing with my fear in this indirect way, I usually make matters more difficult.  

 

Perhaps you are a healthier person than I.  However, I am aware that many of the people who entered ministry in my generation have a deeply felt need for those around them to be happy.  I know intellectually that I can not be responsible for another person’s happiness -- not in working relationships, not in church, not in romance.  However, the desire for others to be happy is deeply ingrained in me.  

 

That desire extends to a minister’s faith community, where tensions and unhappiness are inevitable. In years of working with congregations struggling to navigate such moments, I have learned a few lessons about conflict that are true in congregation after congregation and should provide some hope to the tension-averse among us.

 

·Conflict happens in congregations that are alive.  It is not a sign of failure.  Stories of conflict are woven into the stories of Israel, Judah, the disciples, and the early church.  Many congregations seem to believe that having conflict is bad.  Such an unexamined belief can create dangerous expectations.  Any time significant change is introduced, there will be conflict.  Any time the congregation grows and is successful in bringing in new members, there will be conflict.

 

·In a community of Christians, the hopeful possibilities present in conflict will only be realized when we deal with the tension in a productive way.  When a congregation faces conflict openly and directly with the people involved, there is a good opportunity for the situation to result in positive change and closer relationships between people.  When conflict is handled in a way that cuts off communication and silences questions, the conflict can escalate and become destructive.  

 

·Leaders have a responsibility to both model healthy behavior and allow others to grow in their capacity to practice healthy disagreement.

 

So, how does a leader create an environment for productive disagreement, whether it’s addressing the sort of challenges in Romans 14 or at a congregation’s council meeting? On one end of the spectrum are the conflict finesse-ers, those pastors who constantly scan the congregation for unhappy people.  These pastors move toward the conflict, listen carefully, speak clearly.  They deal with every conflict as it comes and at the lowest possible level.  In a way, they are nearly perfect at “conflict management.”  The downside is that these pastors often work very, very hard.  The congregation is not building experience in dealing with tension because the pastor’s work keeps the conflict below the “radar screen.”  Then there are those who avoid conflict altogether. These pastors don’t have staff meetings, or they cancel them at any sign of trouble.  They avoid difficult people.  The downside is that, under this leadership style, conflict can intensify and spread.  

 

In my experience, each of these extreme approaches has some merit.  Some conflict should be addressed by a pastor, and some should be addressed by those directly involved. However, leaders are responsible to do more than seek personal comfort with conflict.  Leaders have the opportunity to equip a community to address tension in productive ways.  Thus neither of these extreme

approaches is adequate.  The scriptures don’t offer a formula for “dealing” with conflict, but they point toward productive behaviors, such as:

·Listen, Listen, Listen….. Listen…  In Romans 14, Paul wanders all over a complex issue.  What I distill from this passage is to listen with open ears and heart to all members of community -- even the ones that I know are wrong before they start talking.  Listening is a sign of respect.

·Go directly to those with whom you have tension.

·Be willing to start again, and again and again.

·Warning: arrogance will get you in trouble.

 

 Learning how to act productively in the face of tension is a skill.  It requires more than listening to a sermon or reading a reflection.  It requires practice, feedback, and more practice.  In the face of high levels of conflict, I know that bad things will happen.  People will be hurt.  Lives will be disrupted.  In the face of such challenges, I start looking for the opportunity.  One of the consequences of believing in the resurrection is that God can bring good out of bad, growth out of suffering, life out of death.  Where are the people like Peter, whose denial can be forgiven and who can become leaders?

 

Looking for the opportunity in the face of conflict requires imagination.  We must look beyond the current moment and catch a glimpse of what God is doing in the world.  Finding opportunity in the face of conflict is an act of faith.  In congregations, most of our conflict is not based in disagreements over our values.  Most of the time, people in the congregation share much more in

common than those beliefs or practices over which they disagree.  Conflict is often focused on “having my way.”  Once we turn from our own interests to God’s concerns there is an opportunity to unite.  

 

I still wish conflict would go away.  In fact, I still wish my spouse was always happy and I would never have to discern if my behavior hurt her.  Yet, I know that such wishes are a fantasy.  My experience and my faith have taught me that unhappiness and tension are facts of life in relationships.  Such feelings are signs of hope and vitality if seen through the eyes of faith.  May it be so for the tensions that you experience.

 

BY REV. DAVID ODOM, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR,

LEADERSHIP EDUCATION AT DUKE DIVINITY

SCHOOL